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Things Your Instructor Didn't Tell You!
• Don't take up diving to get a suntan.
• People who look good with a mask on are usually ugly without
one.
• Inverse Law of Patches: A diver's ability is inversely
proportional to the number of patches they wear
• Diving unprotected with a stranger is like having unprotected
sex with a stranger.
• Never clear a snorkel on a Mexican Federale'
• Anyone who says they have never been afraid while diving hasn't been diving
or is a bad liar.
• Never use a sun intensifier lotion within 30 miles of
the Equator.
• People say the funniest things when you shut their air
off.
• Never have sex underwater above a coral reef.
• Dry Suits and Beers do not mix
• How to avoid shark attacks:
1. Never Leave Kansas
2. Roll in manure before diving.
Sharks hate anything breaded
3. Always dive with a buddy. On sharks approach,
point to buddy
4. Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an
attorney and leave you alone out of professional courtesy
• Buddies are never where you need them to be.
• You WILL run out of film before the Whale Shark Swims
By
• 60 minute camcorder batteries aren't
• One should never make a night dive on a coral reef
after taking:
1. Acid
2. Marijuana
3. Black Russians
4. Prosaic
5. Sleeping Pills
• You can spot divers by:
1. Funny Tan Lines
2. Big Watch
3. Says "Huh" a lot
4. Bad shocks and springs in
car
5. Scars from trigger fish
bites
6. Expertise on anti-histamines
• You can spot old time divers by:
1. Funny Tan Lines
2. Big Expensive Watch
3. Old Jeep with bad shocks
4. Log Book has volume number
on cover
5. Deaf in at least one ear
6. Has multiple scars.
7. Has cylinders older than you
are
8. Talks about making their
first wet suit
9. Dive gear is faded
10. Limps from Dysbaric
Osteonecrosis
• You can spot newbie divers by:
1. Sunburned
2. Timex Watch
3. Nice car
4. Fills in all the blanks in
their logbook
5. No diving related scars
6. Says "Wow, did you see that"
a lot
7. Equipment looks nice
8. Perfect hearing
Good Things to say to Students or Things Instructors
Say
• Welcome to the foodchain folks, you are no longer on
the top!
• So what's your point?
• Ah, we did cover this in class didn't we?
• What part of this did you understand?
• No, descending butt first is not acceptable
• You couldn't make it to class because your what died?
• I'm sorry, but no matter what the store owner said I'm
not going to carry all your gear around for you
• Yes Sir, a bad attitude does come with the job
• I see, you just forgot to mention the epilepsy
• Yes, I know you were scared, but don't ever bite me
again!
• What do you mean you always bleed like that?
• You don't want to do the buddy breathing because you
have what!
• No, this isn't all I do for a living
• Yes, this is what I do for a living...why?
• No Sir, I really can't explain all the biochemical
reactions in the body to hyperbaric stress..BTW, what did you say you did
for a living?
• Don't worry about this dive UNLESS..______ ! (fill in
from below)
1. You hear the theme music
from JAWS
2. You see someones foot
hanging out of a fish's mouth
3. All the fish on the reef
disappear
4. You see the boat pass you
going down while you're on the anchor line.
• You know your too deep when I start looking good
• You know you need to lose weight when remore' and
pilot fish start hanging around you.
• You know you need to lose a lot of weight when you
can't complete a beach dive because the "Save The Whale Foundation" folks
keep pushing you back in the water.
Things Dive Masters Say
• I don't care who the hell you are Mr. Cousteau.
Everyone does a pool checkout!
• To a nice looking lady carrying her handbag onboard:
• Can I help you with that mam?
• To a guy carrying a set of twin 120's onboard
• Looks heavy dude!
• You should've been here last week, the visibility was
great
• You didn't see the whale shark?
• This is just my day job. I want to be an instructor
and make the big bucks
Things Store Owners Say
• REFUNDS!..We Don't Give No Stinking REFUNDS!!!!
• Ok, it's 2 AM, you drive till we get there
• As their instructor, they trust you..so sell like
hell!
• Look, I'm, letting you take the boat trips for free,
what else do you want?
• I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money
on classes
• I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money
on trips
• I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money
on equipment sales
• Sorry about the problem with that check
• Well, I couldn't find the student certification forms
you signed, so I signed them off myself. BTW, did I mention that I had
enough certifications now to get my Master Instructor!
• Let's see, that will be $3,289...ooops! I forgot the
mask clear, that will be $3,292.45!
• If I gave you 10% off, I couldn't stay in business!
• It's the instructor's fault
• Sure, anyone can learn to dive, now what was that
problem you had?
• Ok, so your out of the hospital, when can you take
another class?
• You want a compass...hmmm, you must mean a directional
monitor
Things Divers and Customers Say
• Yeah, like I was in the SEALS, but I can't find my
card
• You got any of that scuba stuff here? (toothpick in
mouth manditory)
• Can I be certified by tonight, I'm leaving for Cancun
tomorrow
• My friend Chuck took me diving once. Can I get a
discount?
• I never had this problem before
• Can I hold your hand during the dive?
• Are you married?
• What do you mean I made a 36 on the test?
• I hate your guts
• Thank you very much!
The Great Lies of Scuba Diving
• Sure, anyone can learn to dive!
• Diving is perfectly safe!
• Nah, you don't have to be a good swimmer to dive
• You can learn to dive in just three days!
Useful Hand Signals Not Found in Diving Manuals
• Point finger at SPG. Means: How much air do you have?
Raise middle finger if partner has more air than you!
• Point at mask. Draw line across chest followed by
drawing line from sternum to stomach. Means: Look at the babe over their
who's top has fallen off. Variation #1 Draw line from hip bone to hip bone.
Means: Look at the stud muffin/babe over there who's trunks/bottoms have
fallen down.
• Point in a direction, followed by making squeezing
motions with both hands. Means: Lets follow the gal/guy in the thong!
• Make a motion with hand simulating the use of a yo-yo preceeded with a pointing motion. Means: Look at the Yo-Yo!
• Point at divers fins. then make circle with right hand
while thrusting left index finger into hole made by right hand followed by
pointing at the bottom. Means Hey you jerk, stop kicking up the F'ing
bottom!
• Point at yourself, point at partner. Then make circle
with right hand while thrusting left index finger into hole made by right
hand. Means: Hey, ever done it underwater?
• Thrust finger of either hand against mask of another
diver until their head bounces off cylinder valve. Means: Please pay attention!
• Point at regulator, then point at crotch or rear end.
Means Bite me!
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